“Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” – Proverbs 13:12 NKJ
I’ve read through the book of Proverbs countless times, and Proverbs 13:12 has always stood out, though I didn’t give it much thought until a pastor once taught on the subject of hope deferred. His message intrigued me in ways I didn’t fully understand at the time. Maybe it was because I hadn’t heard anyone teach on it before, or perhaps it was the Holy Spirit preparing me for what was ahead.
As 2024 began, I was full of excitement and anticipation. My sister Jackie and I spent time at a coffee shop, dreaming together and creating slideshows of the plans God had placed on our hearts. I was also thrilled about my final year in Bible School. My heart brimmed with hope.
By February or March, God began to prepare me for significant changes. I felt excited about the outcome I was imagining. But in April, when the shift came, it looked nothing like I expected. I’d heard God right—but I’d attached my own expectations to His plans. That realization was like a small tear in my heart.
Then May came, and I was on the cusp of graduating from Bible School. Instead of the joy I anticipated, I began to feel empty. It was as if I was losing my safety net—the covering and accountability I’d experienced during those two years. I questioned whether I’d truly given my all, balancing two jobs and a ministry. Around this time, my ministry faced significant loss, which added to the ache in my heart.
By June, I felt like I’d collapsed at the finish line. The race was over, but I had nothing left to give. Jesus led me into a season of rest—a concept I’ve always struggled with. It felt like I was lying on an operating table, with God carefully removing everything that didn’t belong. I was left feeling utterly empty.
In July, I started to feel hope again. I took bold, fearless steps, only for God to tell me to pause. It was frustrating and confusing. August brought good news and opportunities, and I thought I could finally see light at the end of the tunnel. But then, everything fell through. I felt numb, asking God, What’s next? I don’t understand. You said…
September, my birthday month, was heavy. God reminded me of the word rebuild—a word I’d heard in 2019 when my entire world had fallen apart. I wrestled with it, wondering if this season would require the same level of surrender. October came, and a dream I’d held close was crushed. I knew it was part of God’s calling, but once again, my expectations had clouded my understanding.
What is Hope Deferred? Hope deferred is a process. It happens when God gives you a promise, but the fulfillment doesn’t come the way you expect. I knew something was going to happen—I could feel it—but it didn’t unfold in the way I envisioned.
Through all of this, I stayed with Jesus. I never walked away. I was in my Bible, praying, journaling, and filling my home with worship music. Yet, my heart still ached. I was doing all the right things, but the empty, hurting feeling persisted. It was during this time that Jesus led me to the Upper Room Discourse in John 12-17.
A Lesson from the Disciples The disciples experienced their own hope deferred moment in John 14. Jesus told them He was leaving but promised to send another Advocate—the Holy Spirit—who would never leave them. All the disciples could focus on was, Jesus, You’re leaving us! They had walked closely with Him, experiencing His miracles and teachings firsthand. Now what?
Jesus told the disciples in John 14:1,
“Don’t let your hearts be troubled.”
In essence, He was telling them not to let external circumstances stir and unsettle their hearts. In John 14:2, He said,
“I’m going somewhere you cannot come.”
This message became a central theme in their confusion and left them confused with unanswered questions.
The disciples began to ask questions like, “Where are you going, Jesus?” (John 14:5). They even questioned His nature, asking, “What are you really like?” (John 14:9-11). Later, in John 16:6, Jesus acknowledged their pain, saying, “Instead, you grieve because of what I’ve told you.”
His words stirred grief in their hearts because they couldn’t fully understand what He was revealing. By John 16:18, the disciples had stopped asking Jesus questions altogether. Instead, they started asking each other for answers.
I can relate so much to this. Even though I was still spending time with Jesus, I stopped asking Him questions. My heart was too fragile to handle more disappointment. I was afraid to ask because I didn’t want anything else in my life to fall apart. I even started turning to my friend Jackie for guidance, asking her what I should do.
I’m blessed that Jackie always pointed me back to the Lord. She would tell me, “I don’t know, but you have to do something about this,” and then ask, “What is the Lord saying to you about your situation?” Her encouragement kept my heart anchored in Jesus and reminded me not to give up.
Eventually, I found the courage to start asking Jesus questions again. As I leaned into Him, He began to lead me through a process of healing and restoration. One verse that sustained me during this time was
John 16:22:
“So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy.”
Joy is coming. That’s the promise. My role is to show up and feast on Jesus. When I’m feasting on Him, my soul is satisfied. I’m not looking to others for answers or dwelling on the broken pieces around me. Instead, I’m fixed on the One who holds my heart and loves me beyond measure.
And then, everything shifted. I played a game of mini golf, went to church, and found my healing.
Stay tuned for part two (Friday, November 29, 2024), where I’ll share how Jesus healed me! Woot woot!
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